I spent most of my late teens and early adult life with the crippling self limiting belief that I was a ‘bit thick’ therefore would never ‘Get a good job and be successful in life’. This stayed with me for years suppressing any awareness of what real value I had to give the world.
… call it self discovery, self awareness or simply ‘ growing up’ I now know that way of thinking is utter bollox…
And on this beautiful Sunday, I am conscious that the weight of my love carry’s a deep awareness of a very high price… Pain.
‘The knowing’ that one day, at the end of the journey there will always be an element of grief and loss -A risk I take just so I can touch the center of the universe & experience all that is.
(6 months on from the last blog post – January 2013)
After amazing cuddle with my family, I opened the curtains and there was the best sight ever! A bright blue Sunday sky and a golden orb of Winter sun ! So utterly refreshing. This was going to be a special day
The sun shines on everything and brings the most welcome sense of release. I put on this track loud and dance round the house in my PJS as we cook breakfast.
I was light I had spread my wings. I was ready to fly.
By the Full Blue Moon I had begun to heal physically & emotionally. 8 weeks on, it was now time to climb out of the hole.
Grateful for the experience of it all – the emotions, the lessons, the growth, the empathy for others, the insight – I was now ready to come back to me…
As I looked back and remembered the enlightened moments I had on the door step, the sounds of Orbitals Belfast ranging in my ears. I looked up to the sky, then looked to my phones flight radar app. She was off – my best friend was off to start a new life
For the next few weeks I sunk into another deep depression, I had never experienced such lows before and it was scary. I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. I felt abandoned by closes friends and disappointed by family members – and I closed the door on the world. No one really knew what I was going through other than my husband and my best friend.
The days merged into one and the inward battle of love and pain flowed through me - fleeting feelings of being alone and feeling like I had the world at my feet.
I chatted daily to my best friend daily and she kept me afloat, I sensed she had something to tell me but was worried because I was so vulnerable but I guessed and took the words out of her mouth for her
‘You’re going aren’t you’
All I remember for the next few days was sinking somewhere I had never been before.
My mom had to take 3 days off work and come help – Harry’s work was stacking up and the pressure was on – and it was fucking annoying I couldn’t do anything – physically or emotionally.
I hurt, I really hurt. I was unable to get myself out of bed without Harry lifting me gently and me wincing with pain – I was simply unable to do anything!
After years of meditation I naturally take very long deep breaths, but at this point I was unable to breathe anything more than 1-2 seconds before the pain kicked in! It was a horrid feeling and this was sort of getting me down and on top of that the kids wanted cuddles and I couldn’t give them because it just bloody hurt so much.
ok… SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much has happened since september
I have 3 blogs about after the attack… but it was sort of painful to post them… they’re half written – (well semi finished)
But I just had to move on from it – so didn’t want to go back there – HOWEVER now I am ready to share -
Lots of emails asking when I was going to finish off the story – sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger
However – watch this space – they are coming
In the mean time have some music, celebrate the winter sun… and be thankful
Love and light to you all
When I got home I was overcome with exhaustion. I felt really guilty because I didn’t understand why I was so tired. I had to leave Harry to sort the kids and prop myself up on the sofa in another room away from the noise and chaos.
I was cold and emotionally just felt a bit numb. Again, I couldn’t quite get my head round why I was feeling like this – it’s not like I was stabbed or anything… it’s just a few cracked ribs. I just didn’t think it was a big deal. Continue reading