… call it self discovery, self awareness or simply ‘ growing up’  I now know that way of thinking is utter bollox…

As a teenager I was put in that ambiguous pigeon-hole of  ’The People Person’. This  lead me to believe that the only thing I was good at was being  ’a good time girl & agony aunt to my friends! I ASSUMED people didn’t really think I was going to amount to much.

As children we are taught our value  is measured on our academic intelligence which is represented by our grades in school. Quite frankly my grades sucked ass!  I relied on my ability to get friends to do my homework and smooze the teachers so they would keep me in their class and not drop me down a set (what I see now as incredible social intelligence).  I blagged my way through school and university ‘creatively’ avoiding anything that would cause me to be seen as failing!

I spent most of my 20′s trying to prove to myself and to others that I wasn’t thick and I could keep up with the A graders in life.

Looking back, I did really well but I felt all my achievements were a bit fraudulent. I felt I had blagged my way into work & business!  My only drive to be successful was just to prove a point to people I wasn’t thick! (not that anyone was judging me - it was all in my head!) and looking back now I’m super impressed with what I did do and what I do now – I never really gave myself any credit back then and only just learning to now.

These days I find myself surrounded with a  lot of ‘Bright’ friends who I see as really successful. I am super proud of them and their achievements. In my eyes they have amazing talents, cool job titles and great businesses.  I see their abilities and skills way beyond any of my own capabilities. They are incredible! However, it tuns out that a lot of my  friends also feel like frauds!  They don’t feel good enough to be doing what they are doing  because they are also tarnished with self doubt. (I scoffed at  this because at school they would’ve been the kids who felt unworthy because they only got B’s and not A’s)

Their lack of self belief used to baffle me, how can they think so little of themselves when I think they are fucking awesome!  With all the love in my heart I would tell them off for comparing themselves to others and help them to see how incredibly talented they are in their own way – IQ has nothing to do with how well they do their jobs!

… funny how I seemed too blind to take some of my own advice!!

What is this self chastising  culture we seem to be apart of …  where did it all go so wrong that we only measure people by their IQ! What about all the other talents? If we all had high IQ’s the world would be a pretty boring place!

FACT – MOST OF YOU DO NOT SEE YOUR OWN  TRUE VALUE!!

Wanna know the reason why? ..Because your own personal talents that you have can’t be measured or compared.  You being You comes so naturally that you don’t think its special!! You may even find yourselves getting frustrated with others because they struggle doing a certain thing or acting in a certain way .. things that you find easy!

Your own personal strengths comes to you with such ease that you don’t even think about it. We’re not necessary talking academic here – we’re talking socially and emotionally and across the board of multiple  intelligence’s – be that  listening and understanding people, wiring up an entire computer networks or cutting old men’s toe nails. We all have elements to us that others don’t  and its important to value all the positives about ourselves. Both in business and in life we need a mix set of skills to achieve amazing things!

You being you, is your value

For me – I can now see my value,  and YES I AM a people person, and you know what – I excel at it.

Now I KNOW I have value  -  but I never knew because It wasn’t tested on this at school!

WATCH THIS!

And on this beautiful Sunday, I am conscious that the weight of my love carry’s a deep awareness of  a very high price… Pain.

‘The knowing’  that one day, at the end of the journey there will always be an element of grief and loss -A risk I take just so I can touch the center of the universe & experience all that is.

To love is not just the surface of what we know (to love our children, our partners and friends, pets and all that walk on this earth) It is to love with the intensity and awareness that someday you or they will be gone – nothing but memories.

My obsession with life and death is not just about death as we know – its about the end of  roads that we chose to travel.

Many people say ‘Oh Lou stop being so morbid’  I don’t think this is dark or morbid, it doesn’t make me sad, quite the opposite,  it allows me to love and appreciate on a much higher frequency. It fills me with gratitude, its allows me to keep check on my life values – Peace and Love with everyone.

This life is so short – there is never a tomorrow… there is never ‘one day’ or ‘soon’!  There is only now!!!

Chose to take the risk and love like it will be gone in a flash. Choose your words and thoughts carefully, love knowing the consequence of your choices.   ‘The greater the love the greater the pain’  is a risk we should be all willing to take… because its the key to your own universe. x

When you really love you only see the goodness and you find a way  to see the light in everyone. When you see that light in others – you see the light in yourself.

Set aside you stones of yesterday,  be free, be now, see the light, love intensely knowing in the switch of a light it could all be over.

Blessed Love x

I love this song, I love they lyrics

So, didn’t you find love or salvation in what they do,
A heart is built of gold, they fairies they are too, it’s in the hands you
Hold,How long can we ignore, we build a little more, and then we break our truth

I don’t feel like I’m falling, I’m up against the sky,
I said I’d taken it all in to make the good life,
I don’t feel like I’m falling, I’m up against the sky,
Let’s grab the heart of the world and turn into the light

But I cannot turn around, the angels hear me now, go where I’m bound,
You smile like you know the new world has been found

After amazing cuddle with my family, I opened the curtains and there was the best sight ever!  A bright blue  Sunday sky and a golden orb of Winter sun ! So utterly refreshing. This was going to be a special day

The sun shines on everything and brings the most welcome sense of release. I put on this track loud and dance round the house in my PJS as we cook breakfast.

I was light I had spread my wings. I was ready to fly.

I am grateful for the pure self-indulgent day ahead; a float tank on London Bridge and an amble along the South Bank with my friend. This something I do a few times a year (and have done for many years) Every time I do it  there is always blue sky! AMAZING

The city appears at the train window the sun on my face – I just want to cry with utter gratitude

I grab a coffee and light a cigarette and walk in the sun from Marylebone to Baker Street. I am in an utter state of bliss! flowing and smiling at the day, nothing is a rush and everything just falls into place.

As the sun hits my cheek I watch the people around and smile at everyone who catches my gaze.

My attention was caught by a leaf floating down into the road , so slowly and gently it really grabbed my focus – and as loud as day I hear ‘ Louise you are so incredibly blessed’ in my ears. The tears of gratitude and release sting my eyes as the staves play the soundtrack of the enormousness of this awakening. I feel pure peace and joy and so emotional .

All I can think and feel is the pure gratitude – I have the most amazing life i really do. I bless myself and everyone around – life is a most incredible journey

On the tube I sat so peaceful and still. I could feel the energy flowing like a soft blanket. I knew that there was a shift and this was a BIG thing going on with me right now. I felt a detachment and realisation, an opening in myself. I look up and see a picture of a rainbow and i smile, recalling my dreams of rainbows last night. This sensation deepens my gratitude and awareness – my blissful state hits a new level.

I sat on the tube buzzing on this celestial vibe and teetering on tearing up with joy.

A man gets on the tube, lovely looking – in the sense of being unthreatening and friendly, almost innocent vulnerable and sweet yet I couldn’t help thinking beyond this I knew he was just so wise and almost Angelic. He sits opposite me. I feel love for him.I smiled and sent him reiki, when I looked up he was laughing to himself – it was beautiful! He felt it, knew that – it was a pure ‘Oneness’ he felt the love – it was just so fucking beautiful

A homeless man got on with a cup, I got up to give him money and blessed him. Then everyone on the tube got up to give him money one at a time. It was so overwhelming, my emotions were rising in my heart and my tears were streaming down my face – It was all too much, I couldn’t hold it in – The pure love and connection around me was touching me right inside.

As I walked up the platform of London bridge I was crying with happiness and contentment. Utter bliss and happiness for everyone. It was enlightenment to a degree that yes I had felt it momentary glimpses – but I was so in the moment right from the moment I woke – so this feeling was just consistent get getting more and more and more intense and was utterly overwhelmingly stunning.

To be continued…

Grateful for the experience of it all – the emotions, the lessons, the growth, the empathy for others, the insight –  I was now ready to come back to me…

As I looked back and remembered the enlightened moments I had on the door step,  the sounds of Orbitals Belfast ranging in my ears. I looked up to the sky,  then looked to my phones flight radar app. She was off –  my best friend was off to start a new life

In that last week we hung out together quite a bit.  We shared so many wonderful moments and the BIG thing that was HUGE was together with her husband we went back to the place where she was attacked.  It was emotional and the first time she’d been back there. It was  awful and also peaceful! We held hands for a moment  up the hill and I felt her shake – but I also felt a release from all 3 of us  - we said goodbye to the past.

And with both tears of happiness for my soul sisters new life and sadness for my grief of losing her to another country - I knew it was time to move on… and find myself again

NOW I WAS COMING BACK TO ME AGAIN

And from this point on – my journey has become more and more profound and enlightening …

Until then – peace out to you all xxxxxxxxxxxx

I was still in pain and the lack of sleep wasn’t helping because I still couldn’t get comfortable at night. My ribs just hurt so fucking much and I was missing running, and I began putting on weight – I just felt so crap!

All I kept thinking was ‘ this really isn’t me at all – I want my happy disposition back – I want to be happy and carefree again – I don’t want to be like this!

It felt like everything was falling apart, it was summer holidays, I was struggling with the kids, lifting them in and out the car, and doing activities, I wasn’t working because I couldn’t get my head in the place.. I was just in a total shit place – yes  I’d have good days and i was fine… but it was nothing in comparison to how I used to be.  And as we know – when you’re in a shit place you just attract more shit!!

A few weeks later I had a very healing trip to the New Forest with some girlfriends,  and it was just so nice to just get away from the 4 walls of my house.

I remember calling my mentor and saying ‘ I just can’t understand why this has happened to me! I told him that I was sure it was all of this was too connected to my best friend, but I had no understanding of why! Our attacks we both  random (so different …yet so random!)  In his usual soothing voice he told me its time to surrender to all the questions.. its senseless he told me  - SENSE - LESS . I surrendered.

The answers came 20 minutes later  with a phone call from my best friend…. A lady we know who does a lot of healing and energy work had spoken my friend (without trying to make this all too hippy dippy, she said many things that began to make sense to us both and explained how we were connected) .

Why these things happen there is no reason – and maybe we look for something that isn’t really there – but in so many ways I was grateful to have been through this, because I was experiencing things I had never experienced before – and having emotions I hadn’t had before.  Through all the pain I knew I was growing and becoming wiser with it,   and with that insight  I began to lift again…

last post up next…

The days merged into one and the inward battle of love and pain flowed through me - fleeting feelings of  being alone and feeling like I had the world at my feet.

I chatted daily to my best friend daily and she kept me afloat, I sensed she had something to tell me but was worried because I was so vulnerable  but I guessed and took the words out of her mouth for her

‘You’re going aren’t you’

I knew it was coming, it was on the cards.  She was moving to Australia and I was so utterly happy for her, and almost felt  a release because I knew that this was the best thing for her – 18 moths after her attack she was still so fragile – she needed to leave the city and she needed to heal. (But I was so desperately sad for myself)

A week after the attack we went to Ireland,  annoyingly I was unable to do all the water sports, unable to play in the sea with the kids and do all the things I was so excited about. I couldn’t even walk far on the beach because the pain was still so dominating - but just being with friends in the sun by the sea was an amazing healer.

I cannot tell you or really explain, but I began to see and feel a real spiritual connection. Something was telling me ‘ this is all happening for a reason’

To be continued..

All I remember for the next few days was sinking somewhere I had never been before.

My mom had to take 3 days off work and come help – Harry’s work was stacking up and the pressure was on – and it was fucking annoying I couldn’t do anything – physically or emotionally.

My mom arrived on the Monday and I just remember saying to her ‘ I don’t feel like me, I have no happiness, I’m flat, I’m empty and I have no idea why’

I knew she had no answers, all she could do was take over the care of the kids while I sat there gazing into space trying to climb out of a black hole that was sucking me further away from who i knew myself to be…

What the fuck was all this about – ‘so what I’ve been a little hurt, no one is dead, we’ve all got our heath – get a grip Lou!!!

I was lost – I’ve never been lost before and I was starting to feel dam guilty for my lack of understanding for all those people who suffer with depression – I self chastised myself for all the times I used to preach from my perch of positivity advising flippantly ‘come on think of all the good things’

Fuck knows I was trying to – but it wasn’t giving me wings…  I was beginning to lose all my belief, of the universe,  positive vibrations, the power of the mind… it was like watching it spinning down a plug hole – I was left with nothing to hold onto.

My best friend arrived Monday evening, we had chatted ever day since it had happened but she started to hear me slipping and she was there like a drop of a hat. When she arrived I just fell into her and cried and cried and cried. The release to just see her was overwhelming - she knew how I felt and I knew how she felt – and all I wanted to do was take her pain away, BECAUSE in all the positive pep talks i had given her since her attack… I had been ignorant to the utter shite black hole she was in of fear…

As i write this the tears fall down my face because – remembering is recalling how painful – I just wanted to take away all she had been through.

To be continued…..

I hurt, I really hurt.  I was unable to get myself out of bed without Harry lifting me gently and me wincing with pain – I was simply unable to do anything!

After years of meditation I naturally take very long deep breaths, but at this point I was unable to breathe anything more than  1-2 seconds before the pain kicked in! It was a horrid feeling and this was sort of  getting me down and on top of that the kids wanted cuddles and I couldn’t give them because it just bloody hurt so much.

Remarkably in myself I felt ok (ish! – so I thought!)

I’m normally shite at trying ‘not’ to do anything!  I get frustrated and find it impossible to just sit and do nothing!   For example - 5 days after my c-section with my second baby I was camping at Glastonbury for 5 nights and walking 10 miles a day!!!!  SO  ’recovery time’ is generally not in my realm of living !

I’m also not very good at asking for help but something was different this time – I needed help and I was open to asking  for it.

I cut off from work and any responsibilities because for some reason my brain just didn’t seem to be able to cope!

I found myself spending hours just sat on the door step or in the garden gazing out to space and despite my breathing difficulties I seemed to have become attached to smoking – smoking all the time!!!

I just seemed to float around the house in a weird blissful state of gratitude of life however I would then find myself  randomly crying .

I would find myself  mid conversation to friends  talking random shit about how beautiful the trees are, or funny things the kids had said and then I’d just start crying uncontrollably !  I felt so stupid and really had no idea where it was all coming from. This must have happen hourly On the Friday night.

Harry and I sat on the front doorstep smoking, and just gazing at the stars – I was overwhelmed with love and peace and so grateful for everything in my life – my husband, my kids, all the friends.. so many friends.. and then the tears would flow again – tears of pain and fear –  yet gratitude!

I spoke to the police - they said they had arrested the girl who’s attacked me and she was on bail for ABH.

I didn’t know how I felt –  I almost felt awful for her I didn’t want her life ruined .. but there I was in pain and beginning  cut myself off from reality!

and all these tears – all these tears – so why were they coming and coming and coming???

I soon started to get a grip on something – I wasn’t crying for myself…  This had raised something buried deep inside me! It dawned on me – I was crying for my best friend!

For the first time, I began to get a slight insight into what she must have gone through when she was stabbed  - and I knew the pain I was feeling both emotionally and physically  was a mear dot in compassion to what she went through

http://havingcakeandeatingit.com/2011/12/06/in-the-face-of-adversity/?preview=true&preview_id=1160&preview_nonce=83235ced6a

… TO BE CONTINUED

I have 3 blogs about after the attack… but it was sort of painful to post them… they’re half written – (well semi finished)

But I just had to move on from it – so didn’t want to go back there – HOWEVER now I am ready to share -

Lots of emails asking when I was going to finish off the story – sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger

However – watch this space – they are coming

In the mean time have some music, celebrate the winter sun… and be thankful

Love and light to you all

xxxxxxxxxxx

I was cold and emotionally just felt a bit numb.  Again,  I  couldn’t quite get my head round why I was feeling like this – it’s not like I was stabbed or anything… it’s just a few cracked ribs. I just didn’t think it was a big deal.I crawled into bed about 9 o’clock and passed out surrounded with pillows

At midnight I woke,  I couldn’t breathe, I really couldn’t breathe and my ribs hurt so much I couldn’t pull myself up out of bed.  It was awful and panic hit me  ”HARRY HARRY HARRY get me up, get me up, FUCK get me up”.

He woke and pulled me up.  I was so so hot and sweating so much I could feel the drops rolling down my back,   I found myself stripping off through the pain and stumbling  towards the bathroom.  My mind took over and I just needed to cool down,  I lay on the cold tile floor and then I uncontrollably began to shake.  I  felt like I was having a weird out-of-body experience -  My body was shaking and I couldn’t do anything but stare at Harry locking eyes with him. At that moment in time he felt like my only connection to earth,  the safely net he has always been in my life was holding me with just his eyes.   I was terrified.  ” Lou i’m  call gonna call an ambulance”  I managed to just mumble “YES”  in that moment I actually thought I was going to die!!!

I think a few minutes later harry saw me start to come round. No ambulance needed!

I don’t remember anything else, but I presume Harry managed to get me into bed and consulted DR Google  – and I had ticked every box for Shock.

I woke up the next morning and I felt like the whole world was beautiful and bright and this HUGE awareness of  how amazing life was washed over me… this was to be the first in many lessons

To be continued…